September

I need somewhere to write other than the little black book in my bag - i have barely written anything these past few weeks and it's cus my diary ended. Lovisa and I went downtown today cus Im off work and we bought one of these (thick books with 256 blank pages) each.

Tonight I read one of the most exciting things in my life - even in comparison to on the road can you believe this? - a feature on dazed & confused by an 'elijah cassidy' (obvious pen name) (and what a name—of course) and the text was about his adventures smuggling people into glastonbury festival. Brilliant tho flawed of course but BRILLIANT! And I burn again to write so maybe some day I can write like that. Aaaah im still mad about it. All Kerouac in dispositioning parts of story, what to tell of people, the in-between anecdotes knitting together current affairs with characters and traits. AH! And yesterday I saw Hamlet with Benedict Cumberbatch again and Shakespeare is all and that is only the beginning.

I watched Inherent Vice (Paul Thomas Anderson, 2009) again on my birthday, my 22nd birthday yes! And it was so good and still hexed me really so today I went to the library and got the book by thomas pynchon. the opening lines are exactly like the film (of course the other way around) and im excited.
 
My bday was great - we ate at this burger shack on kvilletorget, hisingen called barley's food factory and the food was so good. Lovisa was there of course and also Linn and Alfred. We all had vegan burgers, Alfred's with cow cheese cus he's weak, and staggered home dead full through sizzling rain. Actually two of us had umbrellas and we shared and I took a picture. I've been using my granddad's old camera, the minox 35 GT, since i got back from Denver. Film's black & white and im excited to see the pictures, tho I know they'll be shitty cus i took some in bad lighting and there's only blind manual focusing.

The smuggler story has been taken down from the website. I'm really sad, i wanted to read it again it was so good.

I dunno how i feel about joining the orchestra again. The kids are all kids and that would be fine if I could just rule with my violin skills with Lovisa, but I can't cus I haven't played for so long (3 yrs). I even play out of tune. I didn't think it'd come to that. I have trouble finding 3rd and 4th position. We practised together today which was nice but also so hard, realising Ive lost so much not playing this entire time.

Lovisa had au pairs from all over gothenburg (and the world) over tonight and they were actually nice girls. It was something to have 8 girls sitting chatting in our livingroom. Im glad I kept that big low table I found in the storage room. One of the au pairs told me I'd be great in glasgow, scotland. What of it? Maybe?

Reading Inherent Vice is awesome in the best ways - I get everything and Pynchon writes freely, like spoken. Good good and new input. I love reading.

Im thinking about Christmas, thinking I want that. I long for julradio and snow and longing - it brings the thought of loved ones, like a lover, to my mind too. I kind of never think about that anymore. It's a bit weird realising this. I couldnt really pretend to be in search for anyone cus i aint. I don't—I wouldn't know how to steer it through anyway. Ingrid's boyfriend called me cynical the other day and I guess I am now - cynical old (not old) writer with no one to love (except my actors and writers and dogs).

Lovisa has been taking me out for runs since she got back home, and we went out running again today which marks the 4th time in a week (wow) and practised violin too. And tho I fight it a bit I'm fine; I want it.

(Notes: Hard to move between identities? Hard to change identity?) I'm at the most boring and irrelevant lecture about Judith Butler's book 'Gender Travels'; lecturer cannot even speak correctly, I keep transcribing her words into text in my head and shiver out of horror due to awful sentence building. It's also steaming in the room and I just want to sit down somewhere outside in the sunset with a beer and read... yet here I am, surrounded by a sticky choir.

Reading many books at the same time isn't working out, I get too involved - like being in the wrong story. Got The Rum Diary (Hunter S. Thompson) and of course Inherent Vice from the library and also reading A Dance With Dragons since weeks back AND the Potter book, the Cursed Child, which I started last week in a moment of weakness... not working out. I cant wait with Inherent Vice and the Diary cus they're on library time and I need to read 'vice first cus Diary is probably better... wont be good the other way around. Need to get back into vice...

Linn jokingly called me out on being angry all the time after the lecture we attended on old feminist topics I didn't care for much, because I told her my opinion of it before she told me hers... I said it was lame and boring and she was amazed at how I can be so mad at something everyone else thought was 'soo gooood'. She also said she's become more cynical of late and it's maybe from hanging out with me.

It's too hot to put on my headphones, too hot to shut out the city noise. Shades on but the moist unnatural september warmth has made the city limp, stumble numb in shock. Headphones not needed, seems grotesque almost to shut out stillness like this. 'Miss, can I sell you a Faktum?' One thing never touched by weather; consequence of no headphones. 'No, sorry.' He gives me a reprouchful look, like he's offended, expecting at least a lil chat with the miss.

Was interviewed for Ramona Magazine by sophie pellegrini. I wrote my answers like I write anything, and she 'corrected' my personalisations. Made me angry at first but then realised it means I actually put in some of myself writing it. Can't blame them for wanting unity on their site. I only wish I knew what she thought reading and editing it - first paragraph I state I'm a writer as well as a photographer.

Finally beers (I actually wrote bears first—get out) or actually coffee, chocolate, red wine, with alfred at Bar Centro, the place where they only take cash. Cashier is really nice, like AT IT man, beyond looks. Then beers at holy moly. Alfred's moving to spain on monday.

Poetry club yesternight with Linn, we didn't read anything and the readings were absolute SHITE, except for one almost 90 yr old man telling stories from his youth. That was ok. Rest pure hell to endure, even coffee was rubbish. It was at Bengans the record store - never having coffee there again. Man behind the counter flirted with Linn before we even opened our mouths and I killed him giving Linn no need to speak with him. L was amused. Everything was horrible. We bolted for the flat, talked books and had beers from her fridge. She lent me a book of driving theory and M Train by Patti Smith. Talked about leaving town come spring. I have to.
 
 
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