21 april

night after the news. we didnt leave the flat for two days except for hitting bars after running out of beer. not to soothe pain but because there was nothing else to do.
 
so prince is dead too. i have never in my life felt alone as i do now. not talking about loneliness, not the physichal thing - i'll try to explain. i write things down here but not for you to read - you are reading it but it's not for you; i dont believe in you. you don't matter. you are not. i believe in a few 'people' only and between them, in reference to them, i am, alive - something. excisting. not dead. all other people - not important. not excisting.
because my excistance is not relative to these others.
 
i dont give a fuck. i take a deep breath and i dont give a fuck. but im also loosing it cus my pillars - my real people - are being taken away from under me; im crying in my bedroom - im staring blank into my own reflection in the kitchen window, no clue why im cleaning the counter.
 
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i didnt post this then cus i felt it too harsh but seems fine now